| Toadies and Twits Need Not Apply | ||||||||||||||||||||
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Slugbait Screen Door Repair needs a warm body. If you were to phone them right this minute, nobody would answer. That's because Sylvia Pudfarb, Slugbait's erstwhile Receptionist and Person Friday, has found her new future at Hooter's. Sylvia's your neighbour, and you're the first person she's told. Here's an opportunity! While Sylvia dreams of tucking bills in her shorts, you've got a shot at a steady job. Eight fifty an hour, the freedom to chew gum at the front desk, and a logo'd t-shirt. So you print off a r�sum�, change the covering letter from "Dear Mrs. Hoomph" to "Dear Mr. Slugbait", and drive the package down to Slugbait's sumptuous offices in the Pugworm Industrial Park. Are you employed? Is it a slam dunk? I don't think so. Where's your college degree? Do you have a minimum three years experience greeting the public? Can you operate a dialysis machine? Are you familiar with the environmental considerations of open pit mining? How's your Farsi? Can you design a web page? Neither can I. Nevertheless, yours is the history documented in these real-life career searches. Start anywhere. | |||||||||||||||||||
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Province of British Columbia Ministry of Transportation & Highways Bridge Seismic Rehabilitation Liaison Engineer You will select consultants to produce designs of seismic rehabilitation of bridges and other structures; coordinate, direct and approve designs to ensure adherence to conformance; develop and maintain a prioritized inventory of the seismic capacity of bridges and other structures; develop seismic design procedures and standards. Qualifications: BSc in Civil Engineering and a minimum of 7 years experience in bridge design, construction, maintenance and repair, including experience in bridge seismic engineering. Registered with the Association of Professional Engineers and Geoscientists of British Columbia For further information ... ---------------- Re: Bridge Seismic Rehabilitation Liaison Engineer While you might not expect as much at first, you will come to realize very quickly that my considerable experience as a Telemarketer provides me with unique credentials for the position you have advertised. I can't think of what those credentials might be at the moment, but the job title strikes me as just the kind of thing that a bright light such as myself would like to see on his business card. I'm certain that your copywriters had a nice chuckle when they sat down to itemize the Job Qualifications. Your advertisement is littered with mind-numbing requirements that only the most nobby-brained eggheads could possibly possess. A degree in Civil Engineering alone is a bit of a hump to begin with, what with the taxing transition from slide rules to computers in the past few years (clearly, I showed remarkable foresight with my acquisition of a pre-owned Commodore 64 last spring). But then you expect the poor hack to have spent another seven years in the field, just waiting for this golden opportunity to fall into his lap. Do the arithmetic: your man has spent 12 years toiling in the publc school system; he has amassed another six years of drudgery to earn his degree; and seven years after that he's kissing the provincial ass to get a job that I could do in my sleep. Is this who you want? A festering, lifeless toad who cultivates eyebrow hair and listens to Yanni? I know this marginal human: he thinks at the speed of sound, but has the personality of algae. He dates weasels. He has a boil in his nostril. His underwear has a Canadian Tire label. Very soon now, this person ... just like his dozens, perhaps hundreds of his clones ... will be stumbling through your tastefully decorated office, imparting his essence onto your office furniture, dully reciting page after page of his tedious accomplishments from his thirty-seven page curriculum vitae, and proving that the relationship between homo sapiens and the common vole may not be so distant after all. Is this the sort of person that you envision hobnobbing with the elite at gala social gatherings and awards ceremonies of British Columbia?s Association of Professional Engineers and Geoscientists? The mind boggles, then ceases to function. Pantyhose telemarketing demands a complete and breathless presentation, leading seamlessly into the inevitable, satisfying conclusion. That is the process that this situation demands, and I am pleased to oblige. I can begin tomorrow, but certainly no later than next Monday. Please forward immediately the details of your extensive benefits package, and your suggestions for suitable accommodations in Victoria. I prefer an office with a harbour view. Yours truly, Folger Punt ---------------- Dear Mr. Punt: On behalf of the selection panel, I wish to thank you for your interest and application on this competition. Although the selection panel was pleased to have had the opportunity to consider your application, it was recommended that _________ _________, Licensed Science Officer 3, be appointed to this position. While you were not successful in this competition, please accept our sincere thanks for your offer of service. Yours truly, ___________ __________ Personnel Advisor | Bridge Seismic Rehabilitation Liaison Engineer | |||||||||||||||||||
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| Anaesthetist (Locum) |
Western Memorial Regional Hospital Anaesthetist (Locum) Western Memorial is a fully accredited regional hospital located in the city of Corner Brook. We require the services of an Anaesthetist in September for approximately three months in order to provide vacation relief for existing staff. Please note that there is a possibility that a permanent position may be available at the end of this three month period. The salary for the position is in accordance with established Provincial Rates. Apply in writing to? Serious inquiries may call COLLECT to (709) 637-5635 ---------------- Enclosed please find my Curriculum Vitae, in response to your search for an Anaesthetist (Locum). It is possible that this is not a serious inquiry. Had I been sure that it is, I would certainly have accepted your kind offer to phone you collect. Truth be told, I feel that my application lies somewhere in the muddy area between frivolous and ignorant, since I have no idea what Locum means. All the same, I certainly have first hand knowledge of Anaesthetics. With the help of Winston Fong, my childhood neighbour and friend, I have laid out more than one sick-looking critter in preparation for surgery. It was our practice to keep an eye out for neighbourhood pets that limped a bit, dogs with a depressed look, cats that shook when they peed ? that sort of thing. I would whack the thing with a shovel, and we?d staple it to Dad?s workbench. Then Winston would go in with his steak knife, root around a while to see what things were up to inside, and then take out some of the bits that didn?t look quite right. I?m not sure that our cure rate was exactly 100%, because the pets usually disappeared while we were at the 7-11, celebrating with a post -op Slurpee. From the tone of your ad, you are clearly desperate to lure some job-starved Anaesthetist (Locum) into your undoubtedly charming hamlet of Corner Brook. The offer of a collect call, and the "permanent position may be available" lure are as old as the hills. And let?s not forget that Western Memorial Hospital lies on the edge of a rock, in a time zone that is closer to Reyjkavik than it is to my home in Vancouver. I?m guessing that my backyard surgical skills are looking a bit better all the time, wouldn?t you agree? It occurs to me that, with a position that will only last three months, it doesn?t matter whether my inquiry is serious or not, because I?ll be winging my way home again before you know it. So, I?ll take the job. Besides an advance on the salary that is suspiciously "in accordance with Provincial Rates", I will require a surgical shovel. I prefer a 135-cm Tru-Temper soil spade, with a resonant wooden shaft. And, please tell me if Locum status is tax deductible. Yours truly, Diaphanous Pizzeria -------------- no reply | |||||||||||||||||||
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